Life continues to move on. It doesn’t stop just because we are grieving. I mentioned before that, for me, the process has been a bit of a roller coaster; but in general I have felt like I have been on an upwards trajectory.  But, I imagine, for anyone that experiences grief in loss, there are triggers like dates or situations that can make the grief hit hard and feel fresh or new all over again. Our girls were due this week, but since they were twins that they would already have been here. And I have been hit with waves of grief. I wonder what they would look like, or how different our home would look right now. I’ve found myself feeling sad for awhile before recognizing it, or tearing up multiple times of day when the twins come to my mind. Our life would look very different right now if our babes weren’t in heaven.

My arms feel extra empty (although I know how blessed I am to have a sweet little 2 year old to take up some space in my arms).  But our little ones are with Jesus and I treasure that knowledge.  Our life is also really beautiful right now. Over the past week my husband and I had a special date night at home, we spent the day apple-sauce making with my cousins, Isa and I have done play-dough and colored, we have spent time at the park and on walks in the fresh fall air, and we worshipped God alongside of others believers. And I cherish all of these moments-and they bring me joy. Yet something feels like it’s missing.  You can be happy-sad at the same time. It’s part of the process for some people, maybe a lot of people. We were given a devotional book (“Grieving the Child I Never Knew”, by Kathe Wunnenberg) by a pastor and his wife at our old church and I have been making my way slowly through it; many of them have been helpful in identifying where I am at.

One of the devotionals I read a few days ago is called “Happy-Sad days” and it hit the nail on the head. The author shared a conversation with her son ‘Suddenly I realized that Jake was staring at me, “Mom, why do you look mostly happy now?”, “Well I’m happy today because our baby is in heaven, but I’m sad because he would have born today.” Then Jake shouted, “Mom it’s like being a yellow light. You’re not red and, but you’re a little of each!” ‘ So I guess I am a bit like a yellow light today. I actually prefer the term joy over happy…because our joy comes from God and happiness is based on “happenings”. And because of God and his grace, even when I am sad and longing for our little ones, I can also have joy and find joy in even the littlest moments.

A few years ago I saw an illustration about grief and I now see how true it rings in my life. It was a picture of a ball filling up a jar and next to it was another jar with a ball. The second ball was the same size, but the jar was a lot bigger. Under it the caption said something like, ‘It’s not that our grief shrinks as time goes on, rather that we grow around our grief’. And even in the last few months I can understand how I am growing and changing, because of our experience. There are things that I am more in-tune to, things I now pray fervently for, and situations that I react differently in than I did before. It feels like there is another layer to me that I can’t quite explain. But there is also another side to our grief-we can also let it grow and not deal with it, and if you think about the picture the ball could keep growing until eventually the glass around it will crack or even explode.

Each day (and even multiple times a day), I have a choice…to let myself collapse into the sadness and stay there, or to allow myself to grief while also choosing to give it to God and find the joy in the beauty that I do have here. And I don’t always make the right choice in the moment, but in so many ways, God continues to point me back to him. Without my hope and saving grace with God,  I don’t know how I would walk through this season. And I know that there are people that have been through so much more than I have, I can’t begin to imagine some of the pain others are going through in different situations.  If you are working through grief and loss, I am so sorry. I am praying for you, and please even feel free to reach out to me so I can specifically pray for you.

Some things that have been helpful to me are: listening to worship playlists specific to working through my hardships, but also reminding me the truth of who God is, working through my devotional about loss; allowing myself to cry and release some of the anguish, but also limiting that time so I don’t become consumed; finding people that I can be open with about where I am at (this can be a very tough one and if you feel like you cannot find this in your current surroundings, there are churches that have grief groups and/or prayer support teams that want to support you…please reach out and don’t walk through this alone); Sunshine and fresh air always work wonders and forcing myself to eat well even when I don’t feel like it; and specifically for miscarriage-naming our babies has really given me a sense of peace and I’ve heard from multiple families that this was meaningful to them as well.  If you are someone who knows someone walking through grief, just let them know you are available to them even after the immediate loss; keep in mind that certain times like a due date, birthday or holiday might be hard to walk through (even years later). It’s okay if you don’t always know what to say..just check on them, let them know you are thinking and praying for them, or invite them to spend time with you when they are ready!

Grief is such a strange thing to walk through, even as a Christian, being happy-sad feels strange. But it is a very valid and real season that I am walking through. There are times that I feel distant from God and that is when I cling to the truth about who I KNOW he is and remind myself of all the ways He has provided and how He has ALWAYS been faithful in my life. We named our twin girls Emma and Elyse, Emma means whole or complete and Elyse means God’s promise or God is my oath. It took a long time to name them because we wanted to find names with just the right meanings; now each time I think about them I am reminded of how our little ones are whole and complete with Christ and that despite our loss God’s promises and truth remain true. Yes, our lives would look so different if our girls were here and it would be so beautiful. But that doesn’t mean the life we have here now, can’t also be beautiful. I still don’t understand why He allowed us to lose our little ones and maybe never will. But that’s okay because I am not God.  And I know that He is sovereign and good and that He loves us.

Psalm 29: 10-11 “The Lord sits enthroned over the flood; the Lord sits enthroned as king forever. May the Lord give strength to his people! May the Lord bless his people with peace!”