It has been one full year since we’ve been officially certified as a foster home. And as our agency advocate said, “You finished out your first full year with a bang!” I laughed, because she isn’t wrong. And I laughed because the alternative would be tears; although there has been quite a few of those too. After almost 6 months without a placement, we had a WILD placement that lasted less than 2 weeks. Yes, we are back down to the 4 of us in our home (outside of respite). It’s taken me a few weeks to write this because it can be very challenging to share in a way that conveys our hearts, yet also maintains privacy.

But, also, I have had a very HARD time processing this placement. Because it was so short, it feels like it should have been easier. But it hasn’t been. The other night I was at a worship night with some girls from church and broke down as the words “I will make room for you to do whatever you want to do……Here is where I lay it down, Every burden, Every crown, This is my surrender. This is my surrender.” washed over me (Make room by Community Music and the Church will Sing). This is a song I love and have sang quite a few times. But it’s not always easy for me to sing. Especially those specific lyrics. Knowing that obeying Him in where we have been called, may often mean unsettled outcomes and hurting hearts.

As much as I advocate for fostering, I don’t ever want to pretend that just because I have a passion for it, that it is easy for me. Going into this, we heard stories, we had training, and we knew that basically everything is out of our control. But there are still things that feel like something out of movie and something you probably won’t personally experience. Until you go through it.  Shortly before this placement, we watched ‘Sounding Hope: The Story of Possum Trot’, a movie based on the true story of a small church in Texas that adopted over 70 kids from the foster care system. Kids with significant trauma, kids who’ve seen/experienced the worst of the worst.

I highly recommend watching it, but it’s not an easy watch. You are taken on the journey of families with very minimal previous experience with childhood trauma; and them navigating those already in their own home, intense behaviors, and crazy situations coming from a trauma background that they were not a part of. And through it all, fighting to not throw in the towel or give up on really tough kids.

Phil and I have a heart for these kids with traumatic backgrounds and know that God can do miraculous healing. However, in taken in this sibling set, we realized very quickly that in the season we are in, we were not equipped to handle the intensity of the behaviors that we were seeing. It was not only our decision; agencies and caseworkers also make decisions for safety reasons. So with broken hearts, the sibling set needed to be split within the first week. And I had to quickly come to terms with the fact that we were NOT giving up, rather acknowledging our limitations, and giving the best shot for the best care and intervention for a very hurting child and the other children involved.

So many moments were spent crying out to God and praying for healing and for the county to take the steps needed to give these little ones their best shot. I could see so clearly how God sustained us and got us through those first few days. The days following the sibling separation were a bit of recovery for all of us and enjoying the precious moments of loving on the little one still in our home, while continuing to pray for the one who was removed. We started realizing pretty quickly that a lot of the information we were given wasn’t accurate (that can happen), and we had been told this placement would be on the longer side. But just a few days later we had 20 hours notice for court (this can also happen), and found out there would be another hearing a few days later and the little one would probably be leaving our home.

This was so different than our first placement, because we didn’t even have the opportunity to build a relationship or stay in touch and we most likely will never know what becomes of those precious little ones. And that is SO hard for me, but I am reminded that as much as my heart breaks them, the Lord’s heart is even more broken for them and he cares for each hair on their head and watches over them every moment, of every day. And in partnering with him, I can pray over these children each day even if I never hear from them again. But knowing that doesn’t mean my heart won’t still hurt…

While I was at the worship night, there were verses that were passed out and the one in my seat was 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you…”, which are verses I know very well and applied to what we were walking through. And then I read on… (verses 19-24) “Do not quench the Spirt. Do not despise prophecies, but test everything; hold fast what is good. Abstain from every form of evil. Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.”

I know I’ve read those verses before, I’ve read through 1 Thessalonians multiple times before, but it has never really stood out to me. And this time those verses hit me hard. In combination with the first verses. It is completely natural for my heart to be hurting over a situation I had no control over, but I need to continue to pray without ceasing AND give thanks, and cannot diminish what the Spirit is doing (even if I cannot see or may never see the results). There are so many different souls involved in the fostering world…all I can control is me and my response to things. And while it’s not about me…I can allow things to fester and cause bitterness…or I can allow God to continue sanctifying me and stripping away the things that need to be stripped.

The last sentence is speaking specifically about our call as Christians…but I don’t think it is too far of a reach to apply it to our specific call for fostering. God HAS called us and He IS faithful and He steps into the messy with us. So while this calling isn’t easy and I have no idea what the future holds, I let him hold me in my pain, praying and trusting that he will continue to sustain us and bring the right children into our home.