The last few months have been a roller coaster and sometimes it feels like a dream. After six months of hoping and praying to get pregnant, we found out in January that we were.  We were over the moon; even more so when we discovered that we were expecting twins! But in March, after just a few short weeks, we learned that neither babe had a heartbeat anymore. And now I am a Mama with more babies in heaven than I have here on earth. It seems strange to say. That is the part that feels like a dream. I never got to hold them, to kiss them, to see their beautiful faces. Our sweet baby girls are with Jesus and a big piece of my heart went with them.

I actually haven’t cried about them in a few weeks (though a part of me feels consistently sad), but now as I write this, the tears come pouring out. I miss them so much, even though I never actually met them. Yet they are a part of me. Miscarriage is such a strange thing. When we lost them I was already showing, so quite a few people knew, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to share. I finally decided to for a few reasons; writing is very therapeutic for me, many others have gone through this loss and often feel so alone, and despite their lives, on earth being brief, our girls deserve to be celebrated, to be known.

I don’t understand miscarriage and why God allows it and maybe I never will. But I know that God is sovereign and I know that He loves me, Phil, Isa, and our precious babies more than we may ever understand. We originally found out that we were carrying twins because I was experiencing spotting and a little bit of pain, so we were advised to go into the ER. I found out upstairs during an ultrasound, when the technician handed me a picture of them. Phil wasn’t with me and I managed to keep a straight face as I handed him the photo of our babies. He was shocked but also excited. They couldn’t find the cause for bleeding and said it may have been a threatened miscarriage; another doctor said later she thought the bleeding was from a clot. The bleeding had stopped and I was feeling great before we discovered that there were no heartbeats so in that moment I was caught completely off guard.

I chose to go home to miscarry naturally, all of the time, praying for a miracle. I know that my God is a God of miracles and I have seen miracles and know of others who have experienced them. But I also know that sometimes God has a different plan. I cried out to God asking for a miracle, while also proclaiming His goodness and sovereignty no matter the outcome.  My emotions could so easily overtake me and I had to keep clinging to His truth even when I felt so alone and like He wasn’t listening to my cries. Phil was also broken hearted and praying in faith with me, but he had class and clinical so was often gone, and he also processes and grieves differently than I do.

Over those few weeks God used many different verses, songs, and people to speak into my life, including 2 women on the phone. A co-worker who I have never met called me (not knowing what was going on). She cried with and prayed with me, and continued to reach out to me over the last few months. Another woman that I didn’t know, whom I called to pray for (through my job) felt led to ask me how she could be praying for me. And I just felt that I was supposed to share with her what was going on (I didn’t go into details or the emotional side). I can’t remember everything she said, but what stood out to me was “That I was not on God’s back burner. He did hear me and He was listening”. I knew in that moment that He was speaking to me, through her.  I had other family and friends praying for me and caring for us during these weeks, and I spent time in the Psalms, singing hymns and songs of worship, in the midst of my tears and worries.

After a few weeks had passed, I had no signs of miscarriage but we were able to get a follow ultrasound to confirm that our little ones were in heaven; we also discovered that my ovaries were extremely enlarged (4 times the normal size) and were continuing to grow. We knew we needed to schedule a D&C right away, and were able to get one scheduled for just a few days later. Phil was able to be with me, and it was very difficult, but I also felt at peace. My D&C took place in April, shortly after Easter. Healing, both physically and emotionally has been such a journey (I’ll share more on the physical healing side later). I won’t say that it hasn’t still been a roller coaster for me. All the recent changes in our lives have been good to keep me busy and I love the blessings I have in my life, but I still often have periods where I really struggle. I still hurt, I still don’t understand, I still cry out to God asking Him to hear me and to see me. And I know he does, but I don’t always feel it in the moment.

I know He has a plan and a purpose. Even when….”The hour is dark/And it’s hard to see/What You are doin’ here in the ruins/And where this will lead/Oh, but I know/That down through the years/I’ll look on this moment and see Your hand on it/And know you were here/And Ill testify of the battles You’ve won/How You were my portion when there wasn’t enough….Sing oh-oh-oh, my God did not fail/Oh-oh-oh it’s the story I’ll tell” (Maverick City-Story I’ll tell). When I have moments of struggle, where I want to fall apart, I cling to this truth: That God DOES not fail, that God’s hand is on our lives, that He is our portion-all we really need.

It doesn’t take the pain away, but it does make the burden lighter. Even though my heart aches to hold our little ones in my arms, I rejoice that they are with Jesus and that they are healed and that they are whole. I don’t know what the future holds and sometimes I don’t know how I will ever get past this point, but I know that others before me have walked this road and they have made it through; and there are also those that are walking this journey now. If you are facing loss, multiple losses, or infertility I know that you are probably feeling alone. But you aren’t. Please remember you are NOT on God’s backburner. He loves you and He sees you. Maybe you feel like you need to share what you are going through with everyone, maybe you can’t or don’t want to share with anyone…no matter how you are processing, please know that you are not alone. It’s okay to cry, it’s okay to hurt, it’s okay to be frustrated and have questions, but no matter what-don’t stop communicating with God. Continue calling out to him and He will walk you through this season, just as He continues to do the same for me.

The beautiful watercolor portrait above was created by Watercolors By Bree.